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Older Siblings at the Birth

There is a lot of worry about what to do with older siblings during the labor and birth. Some parents have them spend the time at Grandma's or a friend's house... others keep them home but don't want them anywhere near the birth. In my experience, even very small children do fine at births. They come and go as they please (it helps to have someone available to be with them to prepare food, change diapers, play with them, etc), and sometimes they choose to watch the birth and sometimes they don't.

If you're birthing in a hospital, you may not have the option of having your older children there. In that case, maybe you can get the older children gifts from the baby. After the baby is born, they get to open the special gifts the baby has "chosen" just for them as a way of saying hello. Some small children appreciate baby dolls, while others prefer toys that reflect their current interests. If you are birthing at home, you can have anyone there you want!

One of my favorite birth memories is from my second homebirth... I was laboring in the living room in the early part of active labor and my youngest at the time (about 2 years old) came over and put her hand on my shoulder with a questioning look on her face. I told her I was singing the baby out (moaning is more like it). I invited her to sing along with me, and she did for awhile. Later, when I was laboring on the bed, she climbed up beside me and patted my hand while I labored, occasionally "singing" with me. She has seen two more births since then, and at the last one, she and her next older sister got to help cut the cord.

Most of the questions I see about children at a birth are concerned with one of two things: either the mom is self-conscious and worries that it is inappropriate for her child to see her in pain, to see blood, or to see her privates when the baby is born; or she worries that the child will be traumatized by the event.

In my experience, the child is the best judge of that. If the child wants to go watch Sesame Street, by all means, let them go do that. Don't force them to attend the birth! But usually they feel the birth energy and they enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

Most young children are very quiet and wide-eyed. I have found that my youngest children feel very loving towards the new baby when they have attended the birth, unlike when I had hospital births and once the initial excitement wore off and they realized this new person was staying and spent an awful lot of time with Mommy, they weren't quite so keen on the new arrangement.

So, in the end, you must do what you feel most comfortable with. But it is not uncommon for very young children to be completely comfortable with birth. It wasn't that long ago that they went through the experience, after all.

OLDER CHILDREN

What do you do if you have older children... say aged 7 to teen? Well, again, part of it depends on what you are comfortable with and part lies with what the kids are comfortable with.

Older children may be fascinated by it, or totally bored with it. Have some movies, video games or other activities around that they can do if they choose not to be involved. If they do want to be involved, give them a job that is important, but if it doesn't get done, won't matter that much. Maybe give them a camera and tell them to take pictures of the event to document the birth.

I've had older children at both ends of the spectrum. Some are just more into birth than others. My older boys, in particular, usually prefer to be on the computer or play video games. It keeps them occupied and happy. We have used GameFly for years to rent games because they have a lot of copies available of the titles my kids like best and they stock games for most game consoles. For movies, we have used Netflix for some time now. They stock a lot of good children's movies as well as the Japanese anime movies they really enjoy. During labor for my last baby, everyone, midwife included, sat down and enjoyed "Cars" while I labored quietly in the rocking chair. It made a nice change from the kids asking questions or wanting things every five minutes and it was nice not to be treated like a watched pot.

My oldest daughter, however, is the opposite. She has a fascination for birth when it is happening. She has taken photos of some of them and has cut three cords. During that same birth where my youngest was "singing" with me, the baby was coming out fist first (it was up alongside his head). When his hand was out, my oldest held her finger up to his hand and he grasped it before he was even born! Oh how I wish I had a photo of that!

If I had opted not to have the older children there, she would have missed out on that incredible experience, and the baby would have too. It was the right decision for us to let them attend the birth as they saw fit. It is my hope that they will grow up having a realistic view of childbirth and not be afraid of it. By witnessing the birth, they can integrate that experience into their psyche that birth is something normal.

Medical Disclaimer

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